Friday, July 29, 2011

A functioning Cog

I haven't been obsessed with an opening refrain to a song like this in years. I love being pregnant because there is no time that I'm more clear on what I might be serving beyond me. If someone could send me a memo for the machine I'm a part of outside of motherhood I would be super appreciative!

"I was raised up believing I was somehow unique
like a snowflake distinct among snowflakes
unique in each way you can see;
and now after some thinking,
I'd say I'd rather be
a functioning cog in some great machinery
serving something beyond me.

But I don't know I don't know what that would be."

Monday, July 25, 2011

Developmental Leap

Her dad is reading her bedtime stories in the room next to me. I am reading my own story in our room. The sound of their quiet discussion of the book is soothing me into a comfortable, guilt free rest.

She is stirring and fighting the sleep. I can hear the undercurrent of her father's patience being tested and she starts to cry sadly with her father cooing tiredly beside her. The happy noises have jumped tracks and the evening moves into an edgy territory - where patience can fly out the door and the beautiful evening sounds break.

I get up to poke my head in after listening for the code we have asking me not to disturb their dance from her father. I get no sign to hold off and enter the room. Fenner is sitting cross legged crying for me to come and snuggle her.

After a weekend away with my friends I did not need to be invited twice. I curl up next to her and she tangles her limbs in mine, her chubby kid fingers tangled in my hair. She spoons my belly and sighs.

I run my hands through her sweaty curls and we snuggle tightly. She falls asleep in my arms, wound around my belly and my body like the part of me that she is. I lie there for an hour not wanting to break apart from this moment, knowing that there are going to be fewer and fewer of them as she grows up and away.

It is a strange sensation to be learning how to be that safe harbour of motherhood that will last for the rest of her life.

Knowing that even now, as a successful professional woman, artist, wife and mother, when I am sick and sad and troubled, I long for my mother's touch brushing my hair away from my forehead and gently rocking me to sleep in her safe embrace.

Trigger Finger

What is with this incredible urge to buy unnecessary stuff? I have written lists for Ikea, iTunes, Books, baby clothes and baby accessories THAT ARE RIDICULOUS.

It takes me months to read a book and we don't need any equipment for the new bean.

Baby cravings in a consumer society.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Happily Ever After...

Jason and I got married six years ago yesterday - it was one hot motherfucking day. There were heat storms all around us.

My cottage family went out into the swampy wilderness to collect beautiful bull rushes, fire weed and Queen Anne's Lace to decorate our wedding. The power didn't go out, it didn't rain on us and we've been blessed ever since.

This guy makes me laugh, brings me perspective when I'm so wound up I can't see straight, anchors me when I want to run to the wild blue yonder and supports me through some of the hardest times of my life.

Did I mention that he makes me laugh?
Bachelor night

I count Jason (and his large feet) among my many blessings.

Thursday, July 07, 2011

Creativity on the Road

We never travel without a blank sketch pad or writing book. Jason has a real talent for cartoon sketches and can amuse Fenner for at least an hour drawing entire stories en route. Between drawing and small puzzles we can amuse Fenner through immigration line ups and baggage check in.

This last trip we acquired a fantastic toy.

When Fenner was less than a year old I went to New York for business. I was a fresh Mom and she was a fresh baby and we didn't want to be apart so Jason and Fenner came with me. She was too wee to appreciate anything and we were a little tight on cash but Jason saw the 'Make a Muppet' and it became an item on his bucket list.

I think we'll invest in a couple of sock puppets to be portable creative fun toys as inspired by this Muppet.

He and Fenner made a muppet on this last trip. Oddly, the Muppet (Purple Miss) reminds me of my Auntie Anne.
Fenner signing off on her design.
In Action.

My creative outlet is a little bit more portable, while they enjoyed their Muppet making, I finished my Ishbel shawl. Made out of some amazing Indigodragonfly MCN that I bought over a year ago.

These pictures were taken at the Union Square kids park a block North of the flat my friend kindly lent me.
It turned out exactly right, a small portable scarf for cool evenings in the country or the city. When I started knitting, the colours made me think of my friend Judy; muted steel, with hints of jewel tones that really pop out at you. It is soft and smooshy and comforting.

Exactly like my friend.

Tuesday, July 05, 2011


To the men who yelled at me for being an irresponsible mother because I bike to work. If riding a bike led to miscarriages there would be far fewer desperate housewives and pregnant teens. What does lead to injury and death is a lack of bike lanes.

Let's redirect your energy to city hall shall we? I hear the Jarvis bike lane (which I used every day) is in jeopardy. Saving that bike lane would keep me and my unborn child safer than heckling me. Swear to god.
Pregnant women are unsinkable in the ocean in Jamaica. Demonstrated by my inability to snorkel more than four inches below the surface. Swear to god - snorkeling poses no danger to myself no matter how hard I tried!

This was the most enjoyable myth to debunk I have to be honest!
We've had a fantastic last 2 months here at Casa De Breeders. Many laughs and luxurious trips - we are hunkering down for the last 7 weeks as a threesome family. Trying to get all the snuggles, adventures and family moments locked down in memory before the chaos of a newborn throws us all for a loop.